Our red-hot celebrity predictions for 2011

Will Lindsay spiral further into the depths of insanity or will her newly acquired “sober” flat mate keep her on the straight and narrow?

And with Lindsay on the straight and narrow, will Britney see a gap in the market and return to her sordid love of clubs and booze?

Will Brad and Angelina marry, divorce and procreate only to marry again?

And could this be the year that lonely Jen finally bags herself a man?

It’s a crazy world out there, so my prediction for 2011 is simple. That is, expect the unexpected.

In my crystal ball I see a Bieber scandal (and a long overdue haircut).

A little left of centre I know, but I can see him hooking up with Madonna’s daughter Lourdes Ciccone under the careful guidance of Madonna and Usher, who have a new single to promote.

Celebrities have been popping the bubs out left and centre over the past few years. This year we see them coming out from under Mama’s skirt.

Suri Cruise will reign supreme but I also predict big things for the offspring of Nicole Richie and Joel Madden, Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman (who will reunite around June), Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale of course, Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom.

Mariah Carey will surprise everyone early on, with the announcement that she is actually not pregnant as has been widely reported; she’s simply fat and happy.

And Elton John’s life partner David Furnish will be left to live the life of a single parent after Elton falls head over heels for Shane Warne, at a polo match.

Liz Hurley is devastated by the news, and turns to ex-lover Hugh Grant for comfort. But Hugh has also fallen for Shane’s charms.

In the end Shane becomes a Mormon and marries all of them, keeping Simone as wife number one “for old times’ sake”. What a guy!

WITH JOSH GIDNEY

Well where do we start?

In a top-secret multi-billion dollar laboratory, scientists will develop the Cyrus Virus. This supervirus will totally eliminate all traces of the Cyrus family from the human gene pool, thus ensuring a better tomorrow for our children and grandchildren.

Kim Kardashian will spark controversy by giving her baby botox injections while he/she is still in the womb. It will be part of a new reality show called Keeping Up the Duff with the Kardashians.

With the money he gets from suing the Australian government, Paul Hogan will make Crocodile Dundee in Canberra, co-starring Craig McLachlan and Sam Newman. As expected, the movie will be about as funny as a suicide bombing at a day care centre.

Lady Gaga will again wear raw meat cuts to the MTV awards, only this time animal lover Pink will punch her out and Gaga will then be mauled to death by Paris Hilton’s chihuahua.

Scientologist and post-natal depression denier Tom Cruise will accidentally lock himself in the bunker he is building to prepare for the arrival of the evil lord Xenu. The army battalion tasked with breaking in and freeing him will be stunned to find Elton John in there with him. Elton’s husband David Furnish will sue for sole custody of “their” child.

Meanwhile, Top Gun 2: Maverick Can’t Handle The Truth will break box office records worldwide.

Sarah Murdoch will get to announce the winner of the NSW State election. She’ll say: “The winner is Labor” and then “I’m feeling a bit sick about this. No. I’m so sorry about this. This was a complete accident. It’s Liberal, I’m so sorry. It was fed to me wrong. This is what happens when you have live TV, folks. This is insane.”

After watching Hollywood superhotties Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman getting it on in Black Swan, the Reverend Fred Nile will decide to support same sex marriages and appoint Ruby Rose as his press secretary.

Natalie Gruzlewski will host a reality TV show called Osama Wants A Wife. There will be 2000 applicants, but only 40 winners.

With Osama busy, the CIA will covertly appoint Eddie Maguire as Al Qaeda leader, hoping he has the same effect on them that he has had on Channel Nine.

2007 Australian Idol winner Natalie Gauci will retire. No one will notice.