As someone who is fond of clever headlines I fear Australian readers are facing a painful period punctuated by puerile puns (plus, possibly, ample alliteration) ahead of the next general election.
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From the moment the federal leadership changed from Tony Abbott to Malcolm Turnbull, the signs tapped out on the keyboards of subeditors around the nation were very worrying.
Although first use of the headlines MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE and MAL-CONTENT have been carbon dated to Mr Turnbull's days in the Howard ministry, they have both been trotted out at least half a dozen times - from The New Matilda to The Australian - since he became prime minister just over two weeks ago.
Trust me, it's going to get a lot worse as Mr Turnbull dominates the national conversation over the next year.
So rather than sit back and await death by 1000 woeful wordplays, I reckon it's best we just get them all out of the way in one go here today.
Doing so requires you to imagine news stories, political narratives and photos opportunities that lend themselves to A-grade punning on the proper nouns "Malcolm" and "Turnbull".
This is precisely what subeditors do! Many memorable headlines, including some Walkley Award winners, were dreamed up by journalists months - sometimes years - before the opportunity to deploy them arose.
Who knows how long the team at Victoria's mega-tabloid the Herald Sun sat on the pun MALCOLM TURNCOAT before firing it off on page 1 within hours of Mr Turnbull's Machiavellian ascent.
The Hun's acrimony was short-lived though; when the PM visited the southern capital a week later and took a tram ride/photo op, the newspaper fruitily declared "MAL-BOURNE COMES TO TOWN" (sigh).
Meanwhile The Daily Telegraph ran with the single word page 1 screamer TURNSTILE to report on the national leadership's apparent revolving door.
Get it? Turnbull, Turn-blah? Malcolm, Mal-blah? Genius eh? We should be thankful the man's name isn't Malcolm Bull.
While it has been a dazzling start to the 2015 pun Olympics, there have been missed opportunities. No one, for example, used TURN-PIKER! after former government advisor Bernie Fraser remarked that our new PM's "courage has deserted him" on climate policy.
It would have been legit and Rupert would've loved it!
Strange, too, that no one bothered to construct the intricate rhyme MAL'S GALS in celebration of Mr Turnbull's decision to increase the number of women in Cabinet from two to five.
Still, there's a long way to go until the next election and the 24/7 news cycle will deliver plenty of scope for punsters to shine.
For example, if a Turnbull government sticks with Mr Abbott's border protection policies you can expect to see IT'S MALCOLM TURNBACKS! on page 1 of the Tele alongside an image of the PM's head Photoshopped onto Russell Crowe's body in a still from Master and Commander. (The Tele loves Photoshop.)
And were he to show interest in one of Labor's previous policies for a regional effort to disrupt people smuggling, it would be heralded as the MAL-AYSIAN SOLUTION.
MAL-ADJUSTMENT could be used to describe a Cabinet reshuffle while MAL-ADJUSTED might just as easily be deployed on leaked stories claiming the PM is being an egomaniacal nightmare to deal with, a-la Kevin Rudd.
Harking back to the Rudd era, how about MAL COME HOME for a headline? It invokes the good old days when Kevin 07 was rebadged Kevin 747 after he took to jetting around the globe. Editors would be mad not to use it should Mr Turnbull follow in Mr Rudd's vapour trail.
Here's one I hope we never see: MALCOLM TURNIP! This would require Mr Turnbull to bite into - and thoughtfully chew upon - a raw turnip while visiting a farm under the full glare of the national media. Stranger things have happened.
MAL DIVES IN THE MALDIVES! Admittedly, firing off a pun this hefty would require the PM to take a hit in the opinion polls on the very day he's either holidaying in the Maldives or on official business there.
If the report included an exclusive photo of Mr Turnbull diving into a hotel swimming pool, the editor would think he or she had died and gone to tabloid heaven where the sticky carpet reeks of spilt beer and stale ciggies.
MAL-IBU BARBIE. Again, a long shot but not out of the question; Mr Turnbull would simply need to attend a BBQ in Malibu. Our Consul General still runs G'day USA events in L.A. so I'm not completely blue-skying here.
After all who'd have thought Kevin Rudd would drop into a strip club in New York?
Although Queensland MP Mal Brough supported Mr Turnbull in the coup against Tony Abbott, we've seen too many political friendships fracture lately to think MAL ROUGH WITH MAL BROUGH would be a stretch.
Would Mr Turnbull keep Mr Brough as Special Minister of State should the latter's role in the removal of former Speaker Peter Slipper get ugly, as some are suggesting it might?
Or would it mean Brough becomes MALCOLM IN THE MUDDLE? Oh god I dunno. Like I said, there's a long way to go yet folks.
Normally Prime Ministers' spouses are spared the crude intrusions and egregious puns of the media. But things might prove different with Lucy Turnbull.
A former Lord Mayor of Sydney, she is a political force in her own right and a high profile businesswoman, advocate and philanthropist.
I'll guarantee subeditors everywhere have been laying awake at night trying to dream up a better headline than I LOVE LUCY (used 112 times since her husband entered parliament).
Well, if the planets align just so, there is a slim chance for an absolute belter.
The story would require a travel rort-ish/entitlement bending scenario in which Mrs Turnbull uses the Prime Ministerial RAAF jet to, say, fly to Melbourne to attend a Neil Diamond concert.
If she befriend the singer backstage and then flew him back to Sydney with her on the RAAF jet as a favour ... voila! LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DIAMOND!
Remember, you read it here first.