ALMOST 20 years after Renee Aitken disappeared from her own bed, her grief-stricken mother has broken her silence to plead for information about the Narooma five-year-old's fate.
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Morna Aitken has accepted a recent coroner's finding that Renee was probably murdered soon after her disappearance in February 1984 but is finding it almost impossible to move on with her own life.
"The hardest hit for me is not being able to put her to rest," Morna said. "I'll never have a proper grave for her."
"I can't ever get close to her again, tell her how I love her and miss her.
"I don't want to live the rest of my life not knowing where she is."
It's said time heals but that hasn't been the case for Morna, who is literally being eaten up by grief.
Some days she barely eats, others she can't leave her bedroom and always she feels a knot in her stomach that just won't go away.
"Living is hard, waking up every day . . .it just seems to get worse," she said.
"There's not one second when I'm awake that my heart is not aching - it is just breaking.
"I feel life is such a punishment. I just want to be with Renee."
Morna still carries Renee's favourite teddy bear, Little Ted, and believes it is only her love for her sons, Brad, 27, and Orisi, 8, that sustains her.
Brad was Orisi's age when Renee was snatched by an intruder from the bedroom the children shared at their Narooma home.
Despite three massive land searches, no trace of the little girl was ever found.
There were numerous reported sightings over the years, even a claim from an American woman that she was Renee Aitken. All were eventually disproved.
The mystery of Renee's disappearance looked as though it would never be solved until Batemans Bay detectives Ted Freeman and Todd Clayton took up the case in 1998.
The men were passionate in their pursuit of the truth and left no stone unturned in the hunt for evidence to put before a coroner - and under one they found the man they believe held the answers.
Brian James "Spider" Fitzpatrick was on a fishing holiday in Narooma at the time Renee disappeared and was later convicted of sexually assaulting a 12-year-old cousin of Renee's.
Police were convinced he was involved in Renee's disappearance and, after his refusal to be reinterviewed, were looking forward to getting him into the witness box at the inquest in Albury last August.
But even that small consolation was denied the Aitken family - Fitzpatrick died in a car accident just weeks before the inquest was due to begin.
"That destroyed me," Morna said. "I thought, how could he do that? That's the end. I was so angry, I had been hoping to get her back."
But Morna is now clinging to the hope that Fitzpatrick's death will allow others to come forward.
"I can't see how he can have lived that long and not told somebody something," Morna said.
"I'm sure that there is someone out there who knows something. Now he's gone, they don't have to be scared any more. Please, for my life, come forward. I know I can't live all of my life not knowing."
In the meantime, Morna is taking steps to try and put her life back on track through the creation of a memorial to Renee.
Morna and her sisters returned to Narooma last week to find a special spot for a plaque.
"I left Narooma very shortly after (Renee's disappearance)," Morna said. "It was just too painful, I couldn't stay.
"I could never talk about it, it was easier to supress things.
"Renee was so beautiful with her big blue eyes and blonde hair, she had an aura about her. She shone, she was just so full of life, she was life itself.
"I'm hoping this plaque will do something. I hope it will give me somewhere to go, to be close to her."